She has man-hands!

I’ve come to the realization that I have a Seinfeld-ian pickiness when it comes to dating and women.  Could be that I’m just anal… and not the good kind of anal.  I have a tendency to pinpoint and focus on a negative aspect of a woman I’m dating.  It’s not even a negative aspect, it’s just a trait that I don’t find particularly attractive… like boy-cuts… or cankles… or a flat ass.  The rest of the woman may fit everything else that I think is perfect, but if they have a trait that I don’t like, I find it hard to look past.  I should actually re-phrase that: there’s a voice in my head that keeps reminding me of it.  I like to call him negative Ned… actually I just made that name up on the spot, but I like it.  Ned likes to to be super pessimistic.  I hate Ned.  I have told Ned to shut-up on numerous occasions… the last time was in the car and I literally screamed at myself, to the point I was crying… I think it may have been a little nervous breakdown of some sort.  Typing this now, I am actually starting to wonder is I’m seriously mentally ill.  I do know I suffer from some minor mental illness, but perhaps I’m actually really sick.  I’ve always just dismissed it as being part of my personality.  I can still function, keep a job, keep friends… so I’m probably just being dramatic.  I can’t keep relationships though… I don’t think I ever will be able to.  Isn’t that like a lot of men?  Besides, it’s not fair to any women to put up with my eccentricities.  I’m someone that’s good in small doses, because that’s all I like to give of myself… small doses.  I can only put up with most people in small doses as well… there are a select few where I can take frequent small doses of, but most people should only appear for a short time, and then go away until I need you again.   I wonder where this loner attitude comes from.  My brother NEEDS to be social all the time, whereas I just need it a little.  I much prefer to be alone doing what I want and not having to feel obligated to interact with someone.  Was there something in our nurturing that made us take different paths… or is it just the nature of our chemical make-up.  Along that same path, how can I become so emotional and cry at a silly commercial, when I’ve generally become so jaded and de-sensitized by everything.  What triggers these episodes?  It’s almost seems like it’s hormonal.  Is there really male PMS?  Someone answer me that… someone… anyone?  Oh right, no one really reads my blog, so I guess everything I ask will remain rhetorical, whether I like it or not.

A new board game?

Hello again to all my dedicated readers…. Mahahahahahaha… I crack myself up sometimes.  Well, if there is someone who actually comes back to read my updates, then thank you sir or madam.  I do apologize for my absence; I was in jolly ole England visiting my family.  In that visit I reconnected with a long lost love of mine… the board game Movie Maker.  For those of you not “in the know”, it is a Parker Brothers game from the 80s (or is it 70s) where the objective is to make… (surprise) movies!  If you want to know more, then look it up… that IS what the Internet is for, ya know.  A few nights of drinking and playing the game with my brother were had, and lots of fun and memories were dug up.  This reconnection has sparked an interest in updating the game.  The old formula needs to make way for new types of movies and stars.  The old game requires a story (Epic, Historical, Western, Musical, Comedy, or Horror), a director, a male star, and female star, and locations (varies based on story).  Well this formula needs to add Indies and Action movies and Buddy Comedies and Animated movies and… and… well that’s all I can think of right now.  It should also scrap the whole male star and female star formula.  I think that there should be a range between 2 and 4 stars of varying gender, depending on the type of movie.  Maybe even make Indies be able to have only one star.  I think the stars named should also better spoof real actor’s names.  Movies should also have a certain amount of weeks that it runs, and make the box office amount randomize per week.  For example: an action movie’s maximum run would be 6 weeks.  The first week the player roles 6 dice to determine the box office take in millions.  The next week the player roles 5 dice.  Oh wait! I just thought of a great idea… every type of story has a base amount of weeks… action has 3, comedy has 2, indie has 1, etc., and every star has an amount of weeks attached to them, ranging from zero to 2. Ok, this game may sound like it’s getting complicated, but people like in-depth games with lots of variables these days.  I need to get this game made soon.  I wonder if I make it whether I would infringe on any copyrights from the original game.  I wouldn’t think so, because people make similar games all the time.  Look at Trouble and Sorry… practically identical… although they be made by the same company.  Well these are things I can work out later. Oh, by the way, I’ve just copyrighted my idea, so no stealing it my lone reader!  Now I just need to figure out the board.  I wonder if I should keep the locations within the formula… 

An oldie, but a goodie

Once upon a time there was a small man who always wished he was bigger.  He wished that he could reach things others could not, and wished that he wasn't always overlooked when picking basketball teams.  This small man and a big heart though, and everyone thought his jokes were the funniest.  He also had big penis.  In fact, his penis was so big it made him stutter.  He didn't mind it so much, because he used his stutter to his advantage when he told his jokes.  However, the stutter seemed to interfere when trying to talk to women.  He decided that he'd go to the doctor to see what he could do.  Before he went to the doctor, the small man walked into a bar... but he actually walked under the bar because he was so small and laughed as the other men hit the bar with their heads.  After having a good chuckle, he had a drink at the local pub.  He was then ready to go see a doctor.  The doctor explained that there was a new experimental surgery that could be done to help him.  The small man agreed.  The doctor had removed a few inches from the small man's penis.  The man tried talking and found that his stutter was gone.  He thanked the doctor very much.  The small man had no trouble talking to women now, but his jokes were no longer as funny... and his penis was no longer big.  He felt very sad and regretted having the surgery.  He went back to the doctor and asked if he could reverse the surgery, but alas the doctor said, "T-t-too l-l-late."

The End

Avengers Assemble!

Sorry for the short absence… haha, I say that as if I actually have people following this blog.  Nonetheless, I am back with another movie review.  This time I’m reviewing The Avengers.  Yes, everyone and their mother has reviewed this movie in some form or another, but have they reviewed it on a train going backwards with the smell of pizza saturating their nose hairs?  

Anyhoo… I have seen Avengers twice now; once in 3D and once in 2D.  The 3D version was nothing special, which very few scenes popping out from the screen.  The glasses gave me quite the headache this time as well, probably in part due to the lack of water in my body, but it accentuated the aching head... and I hate drinking anything during a movie because I have a weak bladder.  The one thing I did notice in the 2D version that I didn’t in the 3D version was the slight obviousness of the computer graphics in some scenes.  I’m not sure if it was the 3D effects that distracted me from that, or the movie’s awesomeness that distracted me the first time.  It wasn’t the aliens or Hulk or anything that was always rendered with CG that I noticed, it was when they replaced the actors with CG… like in the action scenes.  They still can’t get humans right, can they?  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.  It’s a very good thing, in fact.  The time they can render a human in CG without anyone able to tell, will be the beginning of the end for movie stars.  Anyway, back to the movie… did I mention it was awesome!  Seriously, I got everything I expected from that movie.  It was the ultimate superhero/blockbuster/popcorn movie.  In my opinion, there was very little wrong with it.  Some might say the plot was lacking, or the story was weak.  To those people I say… go see a fucking Oscar bait movie, ya idiot!  This movie was all about seeing these superheroes kick the crap out of each other then kick the crap out of some bad-ass alien bad guys.  The theme of this movie can be summed up in two words: Hulk smash!  And boy did he!  Finally they get a Hulk right, on screen.  Hulk is not some mindless rage monster; he does happen to have a very smart guy inside him.  He’s impulsive, passionate, and angry… very very angry… but he is not dumb.  He even showed some compassion in the movie.  I’m so glad Ruffalo signed on for 6 more movies… that means 6 more times I get to see Hulk… well, smash.  My overall grade is a well-earned A for Avengers! (haha… couldn’t resist.)

My Review of Chronicle

Yes, I'm actually going to do a real movie review.  If you haven't heard of it, Chronicle is a movie about 3 high school friends that make a discovery that gives them extraordinary abilities.  It's not a superhero movie by any means.  It's shot almost entirely in the perspective of circumstantial cameras... kinda in the same way as Cloverfield, and the climax of the movie is truly incredible.

I still can't get used to these movies that are shot in this camera style; it's just too jumpy for me and it would have given me a headache if I had seen it in theatres.  I did get used to it after a while, but it still distracted me a bit from what was going on on screen.  That being said, the events unfolding on screen were very captivating and I felt drawn into the story, maybe in part because I felt like an outsider in high school as well.  The performances were quite good as well, especially the lead protagonist Andrew, played by relative newcomer Dane DeHaan.  Throughout the movie you just know he's going to just explode and you're just waiting for that moment. The overall theme of Chronicle is not “With great power comes great responsibility”, as you may think.  The theme is loneliness.  Andrew’s only high school friend before the “discovery” was his cousin Matt, and that was really the only reason they were friends, because they were family.  Andrew’s father was a retired firefighter who is an alcoholic that beats him.  His mother is dying of cancer.  Andrew does become friends with the class president Steve who shares in the discovery, and you see them become fast friends.  The polar opposites of their personalities and popularity work well together and you finally get a glimpse of Andrew getting what he has always wanted: to fit in.  Unfortunately that is short-lived because of an embarrassing incident followed by a heartbreaking accident.  After that, Andrew spirals deeper and deeper into a very dark place.  Instead of using these new abilities to create a better life for himself, they just drive him further from humanity and closer to supreme loneliness.  This is not a happy movie, and don’t expect any superman heroics.  This is the most realistic portrayal I have ever seen on screen of what would happen if 3 humans (teenagers at that) became superhumans .  It was directed and co-written by Josh Trank, who is actually in talks to direct the movie adaptation of Shadow of Colossus, for all you gamers out there.  My grade: B+.

Revelations of a revolution

Can I get a witness, please?  I don’t know what I really need a witness for.  You are all my witnesses, the two people that MAY end up reading this entry.  I’d like to continue my self-help series with an entry explaining how to reach your full potential.  Ready? This is big, mind-altering shit… Don’t smoke weed.  There you have it.  Ok, so there are other contributing factors, like the belief that anything is possible, that you will succeed through hard work and dedication, and that practice makes perfect.  But take it from me, smoke weed and all those things will probably fly would the window, along with any motivation that you once had.  I’m not saying that I have completely no motivation, but it’s severely lacking.  Wait… I just had a revelation… maybe the answer is to continue smoking weed.  I have not smoked weed on a regular basis for a very very long time… maybe I shouldn’t have stopped!  Yes, that must be the answer… to reach your full potential you must always smoke weed.  Ha!  Another stroke of genius from yours truly!

*Disclaimer: My genius is often mistaken for actual genius and everything I say is really just the voices in my head playing jokes on the other voices in my head.

Ok, so a true revelation had occurred to me earlier… what would happen if everyone (and I mean absolutely everyone in the whole fucking world) reached their true potential as a human being.  It would be chaos.  Think about it… competition for jobs would be insane.  If everyone who dreamed of becoming a movie star became a movie star.  If everyone who strives to become CEO of a fortune 500 company, became a CEO or at least was qualified to be a CEO.  If every athlete, musician, scientist… you get the picture.  Who would take the little jobs?  Who would serve you that coffee and apple pie in that diner on your way to making it as a movie star?  Who would drive you places when you were that movie star?  Are some people’s full potential to be the best limo driver in the world?  Maybe a couple people, who knows.  I just think that a world full of exceptional people would not work very well.  I am perfectly content to be less than exceptional.  Of course, I fully expect my son to be exceptional… no pressure though.