Avengers Assemble!

Sorry for the short absence… haha, I say that as if I actually have people following this blog.  Nonetheless, I am back with another movie review.  This time I’m reviewing The Avengers.  Yes, everyone and their mother has reviewed this movie in some form or another, but have they reviewed it on a train going backwards with the smell of pizza saturating their nose hairs?  

Anyhoo… I have seen Avengers twice now; once in 3D and once in 2D.  The 3D version was nothing special, which very few scenes popping out from the screen.  The glasses gave me quite the headache this time as well, probably in part due to the lack of water in my body, but it accentuated the aching head... and I hate drinking anything during a movie because I have a weak bladder.  The one thing I did notice in the 2D version that I didn’t in the 3D version was the slight obviousness of the computer graphics in some scenes.  I’m not sure if it was the 3D effects that distracted me from that, or the movie’s awesomeness that distracted me the first time.  It wasn’t the aliens or Hulk or anything that was always rendered with CG that I noticed, it was when they replaced the actors with CG… like in the action scenes.  They still can’t get humans right, can they?  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.  It’s a very good thing, in fact.  The time they can render a human in CG without anyone able to tell, will be the beginning of the end for movie stars.  Anyway, back to the movie… did I mention it was awesome!  Seriously, I got everything I expected from that movie.  It was the ultimate superhero/blockbuster/popcorn movie.  In my opinion, there was very little wrong with it.  Some might say the plot was lacking, or the story was weak.  To those people I say… go see a fucking Oscar bait movie, ya idiot!  This movie was all about seeing these superheroes kick the crap out of each other then kick the crap out of some bad-ass alien bad guys.  The theme of this movie can be summed up in two words: Hulk smash!  And boy did he!  Finally they get a Hulk right, on screen.  Hulk is not some mindless rage monster; he does happen to have a very smart guy inside him.  He’s impulsive, passionate, and angry… very very angry… but he is not dumb.  He even showed some compassion in the movie.  I’m so glad Ruffalo signed on for 6 more movies… that means 6 more times I get to see Hulk… well, smash.  My overall grade is a well-earned A for Avengers! (haha… couldn’t resist.)

My Review of Chronicle

Yes, I'm actually going to do a real movie review.  If you haven't heard of it, Chronicle is a movie about 3 high school friends that make a discovery that gives them extraordinary abilities.  It's not a superhero movie by any means.  It's shot almost entirely in the perspective of circumstantial cameras... kinda in the same way as Cloverfield, and the climax of the movie is truly incredible.

I still can't get used to these movies that are shot in this camera style; it's just too jumpy for me and it would have given me a headache if I had seen it in theatres.  I did get used to it after a while, but it still distracted me a bit from what was going on on screen.  That being said, the events unfolding on screen were very captivating and I felt drawn into the story, maybe in part because I felt like an outsider in high school as well.  The performances were quite good as well, especially the lead protagonist Andrew, played by relative newcomer Dane DeHaan.  Throughout the movie you just know he's going to just explode and you're just waiting for that moment. The overall theme of Chronicle is not “With great power comes great responsibility”, as you may think.  The theme is loneliness.  Andrew’s only high school friend before the “discovery” was his cousin Matt, and that was really the only reason they were friends, because they were family.  Andrew’s father was a retired firefighter who is an alcoholic that beats him.  His mother is dying of cancer.  Andrew does become friends with the class president Steve who shares in the discovery, and you see them become fast friends.  The polar opposites of their personalities and popularity work well together and you finally get a glimpse of Andrew getting what he has always wanted: to fit in.  Unfortunately that is short-lived because of an embarrassing incident followed by a heartbreaking accident.  After that, Andrew spirals deeper and deeper into a very dark place.  Instead of using these new abilities to create a better life for himself, they just drive him further from humanity and closer to supreme loneliness.  This is not a happy movie, and don’t expect any superman heroics.  This is the most realistic portrayal I have ever seen on screen of what would happen if 3 humans (teenagers at that) became superhumans .  It was directed and co-written by Josh Trank, who is actually in talks to direct the movie adaptation of Shadow of Colossus, for all you gamers out there.  My grade: B+.

Revelations of a revolution

Can I get a witness, please?  I don’t know what I really need a witness for.  You are all my witnesses, the two people that MAY end up reading this entry.  I’d like to continue my self-help series with an entry explaining how to reach your full potential.  Ready? This is big, mind-altering shit… Don’t smoke weed.  There you have it.  Ok, so there are other contributing factors, like the belief that anything is possible, that you will succeed through hard work and dedication, and that practice makes perfect.  But take it from me, smoke weed and all those things will probably fly would the window, along with any motivation that you once had.  I’m not saying that I have completely no motivation, but it’s severely lacking.  Wait… I just had a revelation… maybe the answer is to continue smoking weed.  I have not smoked weed on a regular basis for a very very long time… maybe I shouldn’t have stopped!  Yes, that must be the answer… to reach your full potential you must always smoke weed.  Ha!  Another stroke of genius from yours truly!

*Disclaimer: My genius is often mistaken for actual genius and everything I say is really just the voices in my head playing jokes on the other voices in my head.

Ok, so a true revelation had occurred to me earlier… what would happen if everyone (and I mean absolutely everyone in the whole fucking world) reached their true potential as a human being.  It would be chaos.  Think about it… competition for jobs would be insane.  If everyone who dreamed of becoming a movie star became a movie star.  If everyone who strives to become CEO of a fortune 500 company, became a CEO or at least was qualified to be a CEO.  If every athlete, musician, scientist… you get the picture.  Who would take the little jobs?  Who would serve you that coffee and apple pie in that diner on your way to making it as a movie star?  Who would drive you places when you were that movie star?  Are some people’s full potential to be the best limo driver in the world?  Maybe a couple people, who knows.  I just think that a world full of exceptional people would not work very well.  I am perfectly content to be less than exceptional.  Of course, I fully expect my son to be exceptional… no pressure though.

How-to's

How to make lots of money: Think of an idea for something that lots of people will buy.  Sell it. Get paid.  See, wasn’t that the easiest “get rich” scheme ever?

How to write a best-selling novel: Download an existing best-selling novel.  Convert it into a Word doc.  Do a find-replace of the character’s names and replace with different names.  Change the setting name.  Change some adjectives and verbs and nouns.  Voila!

How to succeed without even trying: Find a talented, shy, introverted person.  Make friends with them and gain their trust. Steal their ideas.  Presto!

How to pick-up women: Complete at least one of the above.

I’m a fucking genius, I tell ya!  Now that will be $5ooo, please.

You call this advice?!?

I have no motivation to write anything and can’t think of a single thing to write about.  I am forcing myself to write at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes at a time.  Eventually I will pick topics to write about that may provide some help and/or humour to people.  Today is not a day for humour since I do not feel very funny. Oh, I remember what I should write about… the rules of online dating.  So it occurred to me that… this man across from me doesn’t understand the notion of personal space and consistently touches my knee with his knee.  I was here first, so move your fucking legs into a position that does not come close to my legs… fuck.head.  I apologize for that outburst.  Where was I… oh yeah, rules of online dating.  So it occurred to me that… stop touching my fucking knee you fucking twat!!!!!! Ok, sorry… so one thing that people are forgetting when meeting someone for the first time is that they should always do it in a public place.  Always tell at least one friend where you are going and tell them that you will contact them before a certain time if all is ok.  I don’t care how much you have connected with the other person through email, phone, or texting.  The best stalkers/scammers know how to fool you.  Google them, no matter how little information you have.  Just have an email, Google that email address.  Got their first and last name… Google “John Smith serial killer”.  Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT invite a person you have never met, and not even spoken to on the phone, into your home.  Yes, this happens.  On the flip side, do not go to someone’s home for a first time.  You have no idea what you may be invited to.  It’s quite funny the lack of common sense here, especially with people who you’d think would exhibit common sense, like a teacher… of young children.  I actually cannot believe the number of women I have met where they would come to my home for the very first time we met.  Of course, I thought nothing of it at the time.  “Gee, if they are open to meeting me at my house, then they must be trusting individuals” is what I thought.  That’s pretty fucking stupid thinking.

Driver's Licence And Privacy Act

Can you believe this?!? Check your driver's license information on-line. Now you can see anyone's drivers license on the internet, including your own! It asks for U.S. info, but unfortunately it works for Canadian licenses as well. I just searched for mine and there it was picture and all. This is really scary. This is just too much! Can you say "privacy?" Where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same. Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable!! Just enter your name and city, and if you are Canadian, leave it as 'Select a State' and see if yours is on file.

http://www.license.shorturl.com

Welcome Jacob Xavier!!!

Ok, so I haven't posted to this blog for a while. I should really make use of this blog space more often because it is a good place to just air out my thoughts and feelings.

Anyway, on to the big news... I'm a dad!!! My wife gave birth to our new son, Jacob Xavier, on Feb 28th, 2008. I couldn't be happier. Every time I think of that day, I start to tear up. I have a son! I kept repeating to myself, "I'd like you to met my son." "This is my son." "Have you met my son?" It's crazy! I'm a fucking father. God, I hope I don't screw this up. I hope I have the same relationship with my son as my dad had with me. I guess I probably will, since parenting skills are passed down through the generations... but you never can tell how a kid is going to be. It's the old debate of nurture vs. nature. Sure I can try to raise my kid right, but what if there are things in his nature that are destructive? Well, I should stress too much until the time comes, right. I'm just so thrilled to have a kid. The things I'm going to show him, the experiences we're going to have... I can't wait to see him grow up to be the man he's going to be. But I shouldn't hope for that to happen to quickly, cause it will.

Welcome Jacob... I hope one day you'll be able to read all these random thoughts I've had and learn a bit about your father in the process. I'm fucked-up, I know... but you'll learn that in time anyway. ;)

Whatever...

I know who my friends are, and who doesn't give a shit anymore. That's fine! I don't need those people anymore anyway. I'll just eventually break down and not want to do anything with anyone. I'm just going to hide away in my basement for all hours of the day. Eventually this will completely break me and I'll have nothing left. My wife will leave me, my house will get repo-ed, my life will be wasted. Maybe I'll still have my job, because I seem to have this work ethic inside me that is ingrained in me. So maybe my house won't be repo-ed, but I'll have nothing else. Whatever... I don't care. Those people are stupid fools. They can eat worms. They don't respect my life now, then fine. I was lame before, I'm lame now... Nothing has changed. Fuck them all! They're just jealous that I actually have something to my name. That I have a career job and a house and a strong relationship. They can just grow up! Grow up or get lost! Fucking losers!

Ok, that was harsh for a comeback entry. It seems I only get inspired by negative feelings now. In fact, negative feelings seem to inspire more often than positive feelings. I guess that's why all artists are troubled. Or is it that all troubled people are artists? Chicken or egg? Hmmm.... whatever!

You are a subservient banana transcending the atmospheric ocean

Don't you just love surrealism! ;0)
(refresh the page to get a new one)

A typical day at work

So I sit here day in, day out, waiting for things to work properly so I can test to make sure things are actually not broken. You'd think that I was happy that things are not working because if everything worked perfectly the first time around all the time, I would be out of a job.

"What the hell is he talking about??" you're probably asking yourself.

Well, I'm a tester. I test software. A programmer builds the code and I test it to make sure there are no bugs in the code. There are always bugs, programmers are only human and humans make mistakes. Whether it's a syntax error or a missed line of code, when you're writing that much code, you're bound to make a mistake here or there. That is where I come in; I test it by pretending I'm an end-user and by doing absolutely everything that could be done with the piece of software. When something doesn't work the way it should, that's a bug. However, in order for me to test a piece of new software, all other pieces have to be set up and working properly. If they are not, then I am usually unable to begin testing the software because the end will result of my tests will always be a fail. When someone fucks with the environment and doesn't tell me, then I get upset because I can no longer continue to test until that piece is fixed. I'm sitting here twiddling my thumbs when I want to work and I hate that. So that is why I started writing this, because I have nothing to do. Ok, I have some stuff to do, but I'm not feeling very proactive today.

This is the end of my post. It was a very boring post. It wasn't even a very emotional rant, but take it or leave it. I needed to type something so I typed it. Now I'm just continuing to type as thoughts flow into my head. Maybe I won't stop typing until I actually have work to do again. I kinda like this. Damn, my train of though was stopped cold because I was uncertain about how I should punctuate that last sentence. I've come to the realization that every writer punctuates in a different way, although they still follow the proper grammar. I would say that I use the comma way too much and I've forgotten how to use it. Maybe it's because I always take pause in sentences when I'm speaking even though a pause is not really needed. There I go again, boring the hell out of you. But guess what? I don't give a flying monkey ass because this is my blog and I can bore if I want to.

New paragraph! My last train of thought arrived at the station and the conductor got off to take a pee. Why is it "Take a pee"? You're not taking anything. In actuality, you're giving something, or you're leaving something.

Remember when I said a couple paragraphs ago, this was the end of my post? I'm afraid I lied. I didn't mean to lie, I just didn't know I was going to continue typing at the time. Remember that rule you learnt in high school about people and things and lying and laying? Things get laid, but people don't. That still makes me giggle. Let's all giggle about it together. Hehehehehehe. Now the people in Mexico giggle. Jijijijiji. Ok, I'm done.

A story with morals

Once upon a time there was a man. This man was usually quite a peaceful man, but recently he has been on the verge of either exploding into a ball of fire, or causing everybody else to explode. You see, this man tries so very hard to be positive and optimistic, but when negative energy gets thrown his way, he unfortunately does not have the power to deflect it. He is like a sponge and absorbs the feelings and emotions of those around him, so when someone is down or negative, he also becomes quite down himself.

"I would rather have paid $1000 for crap rather than $500 for different crap." someone recently said to him, "You will look back on this day and regret that you didn't get the higher priced crap."

"Oh yes, I would have so much rather have paid for the cheaper crap myself and have you pay for the more expensive crap that we didn't even need to pay for." The man said back, in a very sarcastic tone, "And would have preferred not to give someone close to us a special opportunity to make the day special for us, who did a fantastic job I might add."

And with those magic words the man felt better. Amazingly better! The fact that the man only thought those words and did not actually say them out loud didn't matter. A weight was lifted and he could go on with his day. Yes, a hint of the negativity will linger and the man may feel little spirals of anger, but he feels better.

So the moral of this story is to always have an outlet for negative energy. Preferably it's an outlet that does not give the negative energy to someone else. If you do have to give it to someone, give it back to the person who gave it to you. A side moral is: using sarcasm as a way to express your negative energy feels unbelievably good and makes you laugh as well.

Gotta get them juices flowing...

Creative juices, that is. ;)

Let me be thoughtfully crude for a second here...

I once saw a piece of graffiti in a bathroom stall a long time ago that has stuck with me throughout my life: "Some people come here to shit and stink, I come here to sit and think." Perhaps you have seen it. Anyway, I often think of that when I am sitting on the toilet. And from all that thinking, I come up with my best ideas. Unfortunately I don't always write them down once I am done my business.

This time is different. I have now begun work on a new story that will eventually (hopefully) become my first screenplay. I don't always finish what I start. In fact, I almost never do. But the thing is, I have a better chance of finishing something that I've started than finishing something I never start to begin with. The key to good writing is, don't just talk about an idea, write it down. Then you'll be able to really see if it's a good idea or not.

So, what's my story? Well I'm not going to give it up just yet, but I will disclose the fact that I have realized that there are 2 things that people just love about movies: A loveable goof that gets the girl, and a semi-likeable asshole that learns a life lesson. If you throw in some other essential ingredients, then you just have to fill in the blanks with some good dialogue and a solid plot. I've been battling for years in my head to find an idea that is so unique and so different, but I've realized that people are afraid of different. I'll save the different until after I've become successful. :)

I haven't updated in like forever

Dear Reader,

I apologize for not writing to you sooner. I just haven't felt like it. I don't really feel like it now, but I was looking at another blog on this site and it reminded me of my own blog.

Random link: TIKI BAR TV

I don't have a lot to say right now, yet I have lots to say. Figure that one out! Oooo, mind-boggling. Remember Boggle? I was champ! Ok, I probably couldn't beat Peggy Hill... but she has OCD. You down with OPP? Yeah, you know.... me. I can't help it, I'm naughty, it's my nature.

Random link: MONKEY POO

Pause and rewind live tv!!! Pause and rewind real life!!! That's my new invention. Try it yourself.... pause..................... see, you paused your real life. Now rewind........

Pause and rewind live tv!!! Pause and rewind real life!!! That's my new invention. Try it yourself.... pause..................... see, you paused your real life. Now rewind........ See! Wasn't that fantastic! You now owe me 1 million dollars for partaking in my new invention. Please send to:

Monkey Farts
c/o Looks like a Donkey
123 Fourfivesix Street
Juliaville
Antartica

*Please note, I only accept pennies as payment.

So... what do you think? Nothing! I don't pay you to think!

P.S. I am completely sober. (You can imagine my thoughts when I'm not)

Bye bye.