An oldie, but a goodie

Once upon a time there was a small man who always wished he was bigger.  He wished that he could reach things others could not, and wished that he wasn't always overlooked when picking basketball teams.  This small man and a big heart though, and everyone thought his jokes were the funniest.  He also had big penis.  In fact, his penis was so big it made him stutter.  He didn't mind it so much, because he used his stutter to his advantage when he told his jokes.  However, the stutter seemed to interfere when trying to talk to women.  He decided that he'd go to the doctor to see what he could do.  Before he went to the doctor, the small man walked into a bar... but he actually walked under the bar because he was so small and laughed as the other men hit the bar with their heads.  After having a good chuckle, he had a drink at the local pub.  He was then ready to go see a doctor.  The doctor explained that there was a new experimental surgery that could be done to help him.  The small man agreed.  The doctor had removed a few inches from the small man's penis.  The man tried talking and found that his stutter was gone.  He thanked the doctor very much.  The small man had no trouble talking to women now, but his jokes were no longer as funny... and his penis was no longer big.  He felt very sad and regretted having the surgery.  He went back to the doctor and asked if he could reverse the surgery, but alas the doctor said, "T-t-too l-l-late."

The End

Avengers Assemble!

Sorry for the short absence… haha, I say that as if I actually have people following this blog.  Nonetheless, I am back with another movie review.  This time I’m reviewing The Avengers.  Yes, everyone and their mother has reviewed this movie in some form or another, but have they reviewed it on a train going backwards with the smell of pizza saturating their nose hairs?  

Anyhoo… I have seen Avengers twice now; once in 3D and once in 2D.  The 3D version was nothing special, which very few scenes popping out from the screen.  The glasses gave me quite the headache this time as well, probably in part due to the lack of water in my body, but it accentuated the aching head... and I hate drinking anything during a movie because I have a weak bladder.  The one thing I did notice in the 2D version that I didn’t in the 3D version was the slight obviousness of the computer graphics in some scenes.  I’m not sure if it was the 3D effects that distracted me from that, or the movie’s awesomeness that distracted me the first time.  It wasn’t the aliens or Hulk or anything that was always rendered with CG that I noticed, it was when they replaced the actors with CG… like in the action scenes.  They still can’t get humans right, can they?  I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.  It’s a very good thing, in fact.  The time they can render a human in CG without anyone able to tell, will be the beginning of the end for movie stars.  Anyway, back to the movie… did I mention it was awesome!  Seriously, I got everything I expected from that movie.  It was the ultimate superhero/blockbuster/popcorn movie.  In my opinion, there was very little wrong with it.  Some might say the plot was lacking, or the story was weak.  To those people I say… go see a fucking Oscar bait movie, ya idiot!  This movie was all about seeing these superheroes kick the crap out of each other then kick the crap out of some bad-ass alien bad guys.  The theme of this movie can be summed up in two words: Hulk smash!  And boy did he!  Finally they get a Hulk right, on screen.  Hulk is not some mindless rage monster; he does happen to have a very smart guy inside him.  He’s impulsive, passionate, and angry… very very angry… but he is not dumb.  He even showed some compassion in the movie.  I’m so glad Ruffalo signed on for 6 more movies… that means 6 more times I get to see Hulk… well, smash.  My overall grade is a well-earned A for Avengers! (haha… couldn’t resist.)

My Review of Chronicle

Yes, I'm actually going to do a real movie review.  If you haven't heard of it, Chronicle is a movie about 3 high school friends that make a discovery that gives them extraordinary abilities.  It's not a superhero movie by any means.  It's shot almost entirely in the perspective of circumstantial cameras... kinda in the same way as Cloverfield, and the climax of the movie is truly incredible.

I still can't get used to these movies that are shot in this camera style; it's just too jumpy for me and it would have given me a headache if I had seen it in theatres.  I did get used to it after a while, but it still distracted me a bit from what was going on on screen.  That being said, the events unfolding on screen were very captivating and I felt drawn into the story, maybe in part because I felt like an outsider in high school as well.  The performances were quite good as well, especially the lead protagonist Andrew, played by relative newcomer Dane DeHaan.  Throughout the movie you just know he's going to just explode and you're just waiting for that moment. The overall theme of Chronicle is not “With great power comes great responsibility”, as you may think.  The theme is loneliness.  Andrew’s only high school friend before the “discovery” was his cousin Matt, and that was really the only reason they were friends, because they were family.  Andrew’s father was a retired firefighter who is an alcoholic that beats him.  His mother is dying of cancer.  Andrew does become friends with the class president Steve who shares in the discovery, and you see them become fast friends.  The polar opposites of their personalities and popularity work well together and you finally get a glimpse of Andrew getting what he has always wanted: to fit in.  Unfortunately that is short-lived because of an embarrassing incident followed by a heartbreaking accident.  After that, Andrew spirals deeper and deeper into a very dark place.  Instead of using these new abilities to create a better life for himself, they just drive him further from humanity and closer to supreme loneliness.  This is not a happy movie, and don’t expect any superman heroics.  This is the most realistic portrayal I have ever seen on screen of what would happen if 3 humans (teenagers at that) became superhumans .  It was directed and co-written by Josh Trank, who is actually in talks to direct the movie adaptation of Shadow of Colossus, for all you gamers out there.  My grade: B+.

Revelations of a revolution

Can I get a witness, please?  I don’t know what I really need a witness for.  You are all my witnesses, the two people that MAY end up reading this entry.  I’d like to continue my self-help series with an entry explaining how to reach your full potential.  Ready? This is big, mind-altering shit… Don’t smoke weed.  There you have it.  Ok, so there are other contributing factors, like the belief that anything is possible, that you will succeed through hard work and dedication, and that practice makes perfect.  But take it from me, smoke weed and all those things will probably fly would the window, along with any motivation that you once had.  I’m not saying that I have completely no motivation, but it’s severely lacking.  Wait… I just had a revelation… maybe the answer is to continue smoking weed.  I have not smoked weed on a regular basis for a very very long time… maybe I shouldn’t have stopped!  Yes, that must be the answer… to reach your full potential you must always smoke weed.  Ha!  Another stroke of genius from yours truly!

*Disclaimer: My genius is often mistaken for actual genius and everything I say is really just the voices in my head playing jokes on the other voices in my head.

Ok, so a true revelation had occurred to me earlier… what would happen if everyone (and I mean absolutely everyone in the whole fucking world) reached their true potential as a human being.  It would be chaos.  Think about it… competition for jobs would be insane.  If everyone who dreamed of becoming a movie star became a movie star.  If everyone who strives to become CEO of a fortune 500 company, became a CEO or at least was qualified to be a CEO.  If every athlete, musician, scientist… you get the picture.  Who would take the little jobs?  Who would serve you that coffee and apple pie in that diner on your way to making it as a movie star?  Who would drive you places when you were that movie star?  Are some people’s full potential to be the best limo driver in the world?  Maybe a couple people, who knows.  I just think that a world full of exceptional people would not work very well.  I am perfectly content to be less than exceptional.  Of course, I fully expect my son to be exceptional… no pressure though.

How-to's

How to make lots of money: Think of an idea for something that lots of people will buy.  Sell it. Get paid.  See, wasn’t that the easiest “get rich” scheme ever?

How to write a best-selling novel: Download an existing best-selling novel.  Convert it into a Word doc.  Do a find-replace of the character’s names and replace with different names.  Change the setting name.  Change some adjectives and verbs and nouns.  Voila!

How to succeed without even trying: Find a talented, shy, introverted person.  Make friends with them and gain their trust. Steal their ideas.  Presto!

How to pick-up women: Complete at least one of the above.

I’m a fucking genius, I tell ya!  Now that will be $5ooo, please.

You call this advice?!?

I have no motivation to write anything and can’t think of a single thing to write about.  I am forcing myself to write at least 3 times a week for 20 minutes at a time.  Eventually I will pick topics to write about that may provide some help and/or humour to people.  Today is not a day for humour since I do not feel very funny. Oh, I remember what I should write about… the rules of online dating.  So it occurred to me that… this man across from me doesn’t understand the notion of personal space and consistently touches my knee with his knee.  I was here first, so move your fucking legs into a position that does not come close to my legs… fuck.head.  I apologize for that outburst.  Where was I… oh yeah, rules of online dating.  So it occurred to me that… stop touching my fucking knee you fucking twat!!!!!! Ok, sorry… so one thing that people are forgetting when meeting someone for the first time is that they should always do it in a public place.  Always tell at least one friend where you are going and tell them that you will contact them before a certain time if all is ok.  I don’t care how much you have connected with the other person through email, phone, or texting.  The best stalkers/scammers know how to fool you.  Google them, no matter how little information you have.  Just have an email, Google that email address.  Got their first and last name… Google “John Smith serial killer”.  Do NOT, I repeat DO NOT invite a person you have never met, and not even spoken to on the phone, into your home.  Yes, this happens.  On the flip side, do not go to someone’s home for a first time.  You have no idea what you may be invited to.  It’s quite funny the lack of common sense here, especially with people who you’d think would exhibit common sense, like a teacher… of young children.  I actually cannot believe the number of women I have met where they would come to my home for the very first time we met.  Of course, I thought nothing of it at the time.  “Gee, if they are open to meeting me at my house, then they must be trusting individuals” is what I thought.  That’s pretty fucking stupid thinking.