Accountability

What is accountability? It's being accountable for your actions and words, no matter if they are accidental or not. Imagine a world where everyone assumed accountability for their actions. No more passing the buck. No more blaming other people for the outcome. If it's your fault, it's your fault! If someone breaks my bike, they would leave a note saying "Sorry, here's my phone number so you can contact me for repair costs." But alas, the world is not like that. We all like to pass the blame onto someone or something else. If the world took accountability for its actions, then there would be no such word as scapegoat. Sometimes I really hate this world. Sometimes I just want to live alone on an island where all I have is me to blame. Fucking world... be accountable!!!

A note about the new posts and randomness

Hello. How are you? I added some posts, but you may notice that they are dated in the past. I figured since I can actually change the date and time that I would date them at the time they were written. Makes sense, no?

They are of the randomness that occurs in my brain on a daily basis. I find my thoughts wonder quite irregularly sometimes. Right now it's not wondering so much cause I'm tired. Also because I am thinking about my baby and being able to kiss and hug her again... among other things. ;)

I should post more. If only to see what crazy ads the banner at the top comes up with. Earlier it had links to shopping cart covers. Where the hell in my blog did I mention that??? Crazy Internet! Evil computers!

I can flutter my lips like a horse. I guess I have loose lips. My boss spent half an hour yesterday trying to do that. She said she once could. Then today she told me she was able to do it last night, but she couldn't repeat it. People are funny like that. I wonder what she was doing at home that made her think of that. Was she just sitting on her couch watching TV and suddenly flutter her lips, then cry out, "I did it! I told Al I could do it!"?

Oh no, I bought Jeep shoes! I must be conforming to commercialism. No!!! They were cheap and comfortable. Sometimes I get tired of all the digs and teasing that goes on amongst my friends. It seems to be constant sometimes. We can't have serious conversations, or pleasant conversations without some kind of snide remark being thrown out. I want to be able to talk about serious stuff, or to discuss my feelings without having some sarcasm thrown in. I guess that's another thing that makes me happy about having my girl. I can talk to her. She just listens without judgement. I love her so much. I love her till it hurts.

Ok, I'm done.

Is there a time for death to take us?

6 lives gone, 3 to go. Although, some may not have been considered lost lives.

Let's begin by re-capping: First, I was about 4 years old and was at my parents' friend's house. The adults were have a dinner party inside. Outside, they have a big pool and I was playing around it. My ball fell into the deep end of the pool and I used the net to try to fish it out. Well, I slipped and fell... no idea how to swim. I don't know how long I struggled to keep my head above water, but I know I wasn't doing a good job. I was finally pulled out by one of the friend's kids. After that, I was hit by a car twice, I was lying in the back seat of my mum's car when there was a speeding car driving head on in the wrong lane on a very narrow bridge, I was 2 minutes away from taking my own life, and now finally what happened today. I was biking home from work. It was very windy, blowing all kinds of shit in my face. My gears were screwing up and I noticed some ribbon had got stuck. I stopped to pull it out. Seconds later.... CRACK! A tree behind me fell onto the road, taking a powerline down with it. It was just 20 feet away from where I stopped. I looked at it for a second and said, "Wow!" Then I thought, "Shit, I was 30 seconds away from that falling on me." If the elevator at work was 30 seconds slower... if I had to fiddle an extra 30 seconds with my bike lock... if I had stopped under that tree to fix my gears.

Near death experiences? Maybe. Close calls? Definitely! It is quite funny how this happened today though. Yesterday I was thinking about whether we all have a time when Death takes us, or if we need to accomplish something before it comes. I guess this may add to my thoughts of how I am supposed to accomplish something, and maybe this was a warning to me. "Hurry up with your destiny!" Death is screaming to me. Well, you only have to tell me once... maybe twice to remind me, cause my short-term memory is not great anymore. So here I am, writing, getting my juices flowing. Maybe Death was saying, "Here's something for you to write about!" Earlier in the day I was feeling quite unmotivated. Well Death, here you go... I'm writing.

Thoughts from November 17, 2003

Rummaging through things I've written in the past, I came across this. Random? Yes. Enjoy.

Just think... don't think about what you want to think, just think and type... pause all you want, then put the words in your head together... or don't even put them together and just type. don't worry about puncuation you dumbass.. ok, I threw that in because I'm typing, but whatever... quality guarantee... does a life come with a quality guarantee... wouldn't that be great if it did, your life is 100% guaranteed to be quality, if not get a new one for free... but people do get new lives... they think about change, then do it..... I want a new life, but I want to keep some of my life now... if I trade in my life for a new one, does that mean trading in everything? Cigarette. Why does age have a bearing on how and what you think about... or does it.. if age did not exist, does that mean you wouldn't think about getting older.. of course it would.does an immortal soul think about getting older?

Where's the beef

I have a beef to express. Why do all the lyric websites out there just copy and paste from one source, which is usually wrong?? Ok, so not all the lyrics are wrong, but here's a case in point. I was curious as to what all the lyrics to Eminem's Lose Yourself, because I almost had them all down, but was missing some chunks. So I sang the song to the lyrics I found. It just didn't sound right, and I definitely knew that some were very wrong.

Here is what most sites have as the lyrics:

Lose Yourself

And these are my modified lyrics, which I believe you'll agree (if you actually like the song) are far more correct:

Lose Yourself (again)

Why I decided to go on about this and actually edit the lyrics, I really don't know, I just had the urge. I get some crazy urges sometimes... that's just a little piece of me. :)

Foreshadowing...

Could this have been some foreshadowing of what has come to pass? I'm definitely not letting the person who has changed my life so much slip away. And I will forever grow with her.

One day my life will change. Up until now there have been a lot of things that have shaped me the way I am; my parents, my friends, my teachers, but there will come a time when a person walks into my life and changes my existence. Whether that person will be a flash in the pan, or a life long companion, I don’t know. I feel it. I feel it everyday of my life. I hope for it and I expect it. Is that my problem? Am I living in a dream world? Am I waiting for nothing? Maybe that person has come and gone. Maybe I didn’t realize it because my mind was too preoccupied with waiting for this person. Someone once said that life is what you make it. Am I making it worth it? I want to be on that road going across North Dakota, where I saw the “F” made of stones on top of the hill. Why was that there? Was it a symbol for something? I think a man walked up to that hill, and with his dying energy, made that “F”. He made it for everybody. “Fuck you!” one person would say it meant. “Freedom”, says another. Maybe it was just plain Fred.